The Death Thing

Today Tristan said he was feeling the death thing again.
The death thing is when he can’t stop thinking about dying and all the things that means.
I’m not sure myself what it all means. But I know it’s not happy or good.

Tomorrow I’ll get into my dead dad’s car and drive to work and forget about all this and fall into a day of unconscious progress towards a meaningless end.
My night will end half aware of what my kids are asking while I multi task a fog of disparate thoughts.
But really
Tristan was sitting at the dinner table in our kitchen with a pained look on his face saying “mom I can’t stop thinking about the death thing” as his hands weaved through his hair and he fidgeted in his seat like a scared hamster. And I felt anger and frustration which all amounted to “now he’s just acting out”.
I tried to console him with comments that were so meaningless and unfeeling that I was sure even a 7 year old would know and he knew but was too busy feeling what he was feeling and acting out to notice.